Friday, April 12, 2013

United yet Seperate

     Today I am writing about something personal to me. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find as much comedy in the situation as I would like. You can read a lot of blogs and articles about post-deployment reintegration. The struggles of bringing two people whom have been living separate lives back together. There are even some articles that put a romantic spin on it. Talking about the joys of falling back in love when your spouse returns. But until recently the flip side to these romantic articles never hit me. Does that mean you fall out of love while he/she is gone?

I don’t believe that is exactly what they mean to insinuate. I still love my husband very much and feel his love. As the months pass by, I do however feel the distance. We are leading totally separate lives. I am one of the lucky ones being able to e-mail and Skype with my husband very regularly. It helps keep us connected in some ways. You still have knowledge of the other persons life. But, there is a drastic difference between knowing they had dinner and eating it with them. Knowing what they have planned for the next day vs making plans together.

There are some articles out there about staying connected through the distance. Most of the advice I have seen falls in the realm of making the best of the communication you do have. Sending “Naughty” photos or “Saucy” letters. I don’t know exactly if these things work but if there is a possibility these things will help us stay connected, I’m game to give it a try. I don’t believe my husband would have many complaints with any of these ideas, especially the last two.

But what I seem to find to be the ugly truth is that there is only so much a person can do and only so connected you can be with continents separating you, and separate lives being led. Maybe this fact is why we spend so much time talking about the difficulties of reintegration. For some reason today, I wanted to read just one article that said I was not the only one that got saddened by feeling the “distance” and the separate lives. We get married with the intention of living our lives together. So, is it not acceptable to be saddened when those integrated lives become primarily separate entities?  I know in the end after the reintegration period we will go back to enjoying our lives together. I am not pessimistic or scared of what our future holds. Only saddened by what I am currently missing.

I can't explain why, but the romanticized articles about falling in love again were annoying me. To me it seemed like we were trying to use words to spin a pile of poo into a beautiful picture. Yes, depending on the type of poo, it can be used as a wonderful fertilizer, but you have to acknowledge it is a pile of poo first and that point seemed to be missing.

Today I am acknowledging that leading separate lives is a pile of poo! When he comes home we will use it as fertilizer to create our own “falling in love reintegration story.” But for today I want to identify it for what it is! A pile of poo! So if you are like me and get saddened with the living of separate lives don't feel alone, acknowledge it for what it is but try to remind yourself that in the future you also will be writing your own reintegration love story.

There are moments of loneliness, but even in those moments its hard to describe the love and support I still feel. He can't be here with me, but knowing he is "with" and behind me in all the ways that matter makes a difference. How can you feel so much love in an e-mail, in a letter, over the phone. I will never truly understand but am and will continue to be thankful for the blessing that is my wonderful husband. Neither of us are perfect but we are perfect for each other! I miss him today and every day. I count the days until he is home and cherish the love I feel no matter how many miles separate us.


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  2. In our 5 years of marriage, my husband and I have spent 31 months apart (2 years 7 months), and it's even harder because the time we spent apart was after the birth of our daughter who is 3. I have learned over separations that I don't necessarily fall out of love with my husband, but I tend to forget why I love him so much...mainly because we're never together and living separate lives. That's why every time he has returned, I feel the sense of falling in love with him all over again! We are blessed to FINALLY be in a place where he is non deployable for 3 years, and honestly, I sometimes miss those homecomings...the butterflies and anticipation of being reunited again...the look on my daughter's face when he comes home. It's just a life I've learned as normal. I think being a Marine myself has made it a little different for me. I've experienced so many goodbyes and homecomings from my work and his work.

    1. That much time apart would be hard. We have been very lucky and he has been home for the last almost four years prior to this deployment. I am anxious for the wonderful homecoming feelings. :)

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