First I need to say I am not someone brought to tears easily. Sure I get upset and frustrated but actual tears are much harder to get from me. I put my son down for his second nap, crawled into my own bed and I broke down. It was not any one thing. Yesterday had its problems but they were all minor things. They were mole hills but felt like mountains. I was suddenly overwhelmed. I cried, not just a tear but a full blow bout of tears and and all the fun. I finally calmed down and took a mini-nap before my son was up ready to roll and my daughter walking in the door from school.
I talked to my husband a short time after my breakdown, still emotional and at one point said. I can't wait for you to be home so I don't have to be responsible for everything anymore.
That was it, the moment it hit me what my tears had come from. A single statement made out of frustration, mental and emotional fatigue. It was not any one mole hill, it was not needing to re-jump start the truck or the new mower that needs a new ignition switch or the old mower that has a flat tire or the cranky baby or the chores that never end. All of these things are minor, they are life!
Our shrubs took the brunt of my frustration yesterday. You would be amazed how therapeutic sun shine, hard work and giant clippers can be. but, i digress.
Yesterday's melt down came from months of holding my head high and keeping it all together. The desire to make my husband proud and do it all right. The desire to be the best mom I can be. I have a great husband who helps where he can, if its something that can be done on-line he is happy to do it. Unfortunately, there are a lot of life things that can not be done over the internet. I have some great friends that will help me as they can. But, they cannot always help. They have there own lives and ....
At the end of the day, everything falls square on my shoulders. If the house is clean or in a condition worthy of being condemned, if the lawn looks more like a field of hay, if the kid's needs are met and are learning/developing/eating they way they should be, if the savings account is growing or shrinking. The responsibility list is oh so long. It all comes down to me, the choices I make and how good of a job I am doing. That stuff all by itself is a lot! Add in the pressure I put on myself to do it all "right" and to make my husband proud. Add in missing my best friend and partner and here you find the reason for my emotional breakdown.
Sure I know all the prep-talks, give yourself a break, do your best, enjoy the simple moments, take it one day at a time. ... Mentally it is easy to say these things and some of them easy to do. I am a strong person so by the end of the day, I had pulled myself back together and carried on. This life (military, deployments) it is not easy and sometimes I crumble under the pressure. I have come to the conclusion that there is a reason it takes two people to create children and reason It takes a family to make a home. No one person was meant to handle it all.
That does not mean one person can't do it. I know I can and I know we will make it to the other side of this. Only six more months to go. Yesterday will not be the last time I crumble or fall on this journey. It will happen again and I will pick myself up again and carry on. If you are a military spouse, I feel your pain. If you are not, please remember the whole family serves in there own way.
I also think when the military switched most units from one year or longer deployments to the average being 7 months they were on to something. They need to do this for all units, A year is a lot to ask of a service member or their families!
Today is day 154, four years ago today I met this wonderful man I call my husband! This life is not easy, and some days just plain suck. But, I have no regrets about falling in love with this man. I will suck up all the hard things and put on my big girl panties a hundred or even a thousand times because he is worth it. His love is worth it.